Existentialism

I’ve just figured out a reason why no one has commented on my last two posts.  I wrote both of them (and this one) while I was on half term holiday, when I pressed publish, WordPress didn’t update the date – it kept it as February’s date – so they won’t have appeared on your RSS feeds. And I was beginning to get all despondent as well! Still, a lesson in blogging for me!

So… another post written two weeks ago in half term – don’t forget to go back and look at the last two posts as well, if you haven’t already.

This is a very personal post by my standards and so if you are not into that then back away now! But then the personal is political – right?

As I have been on half term (by the time I post this I expect I will be back into my normal full pelt mode) I have had time to think and to reflect on things.

I have always been given to periods of deep introspection, which at times can turn to severe depression and sometimes I just disappear up my arse with it all.

On this occasion it turned into full on existentialistic angst. And I find this quote from the Wikipedia definition to be quite fitting:

What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know, except in so far as a certain knowledge must precede every action. The thing is to understand myself, to see what God really wishes me to do: the thing is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die. … I certainly do not deny that I still recognize an imperative of knowledge and that through it one can work upon men, but it must be taken up into my life, and that is what I now recognize as the most important thing.

—Søren Kierkegaard , Letter to Peter Wilhelm Lund dated August 31, 1835

Oooh, Kierkegaard, no less! (like I said, tendency to disappear up my own arse!)

But the essential idea is one which I am struggling with.  I had hoped that training to be a teacher would help me with this – by teaching I can help people, my placement in a Sixth Form college I am teaching English GCSE, AS Theatre Studies and also Btec Performing Arts. For those of you outside the UK Sixth Form College is one of the options for when you have finished school (done your GCSEs). GCSEs- 15/16 year olds and AS & Btec 16/17/18. This is average ages – obviously things change! Sixth forms tend to take better achieving students, certainly the one where I am is anyway.

I love teaching and I think I am shaping up to be a pretty good teacher, but I don’t think I am doing something which is what I am here to do – what Keirkegaard says is “what God really wishes me to do”. I’m sure I am not alone in feeling like this – I also don’t say this with some sort of feeling that I am a special person who deserves to be fulfilled, but I need to be doing something worthwhile, that I am here to serve. In a un-obsequious way obviously – this is me, after all!

I hope and I think that it is something to do with teaching – just maybe in a different setting. For example I am about 40 minutes away from inner London, or East London, both crying out for good teachers who will be able to get through to their students. As I am training in post- compulsory I am not teaching school age children, but later than that. Maybe I could do some work in working on literacy with young adults who have fallen through the gaps to stop them become a statistic in my last post.?

The reason for this post was to explain the some what ranty and political nature of my last post. I am thinking deeply about the social injustice that we are surrounded by. On so many levels as well – and for me this is part of the problem. There are so many things that I care deeply about how can I possibly do anything about them all.

Well, I can’t. Not right this minute at least. So I have started looking into voluntary positions in my local area where I hope I will be able to use my teaching skills immediately. I may look into to doing some environmental work as well at some point, depending on how I cope with these extra commitments.

One day I maybe able to roll all of my interests into one great big work/life amazing amorphous mass, however right this minute I can’t, so I trying to do what I can. This blog is part of that – I am not sure how as yet, but I hope in some way it is.

Take a stand and shout it out!

When I visited my library last weekend it was filled with small children. I was a bit bemused by this until I saw the HUGE Peter Rabbit, Gruaffalo and another creatures I didn’t recognise. The library was being visited by characters from childrens’ story books!

There was much laughter around the room and awed looking children. That is apart from  one little girl, who insisted her mum took her up to see the Gruaffalo. When she got to him she stood there frozen to the ground and I could just see the fear building up her body, her chest start shuddering, her eyes open wide and her lips trembling before howling the place down!

But when I got to the counter to take out my book I had reserved (Nudge – review coming soon!) the librarian told me the council is planning on cutting the opening hours and making redundancies. You know my feelings about our library, so I decided to take a stand and shout it out.

I have written to the councillor in charge of making this decision, our three local councillors, the MP and the local paper. The local paper has said they are covering the story, they are just waiting for the council to tell them what they are planning on doing. The have said that they will quote me because I highlighted some important issues to them in my email.

I have to say I was feeling quite proud of myself, but then I thought, why am I not doing more? Why didn’t I complain about the bins? What else can I do in my local community? When I originally wanted an allotment all of the waiting lists were very full and I did complain again to the councillors and they did opening up a new site. I’m not claiming it was down to me, but others must also have complained and together we were taken notice of.  Often as individuals making our own small steps we forget that if we join together with others the sum of our steps is greater than the individual.

So, how do you take a stand and shout it out?

Letter to a daughter

I don’t know if I want children. Some days I think it would be great and I really would want to bring up a child, some days the whole idea of reproduction freaks me out (not the actual sex bit, but the part of it about from 28 days after sex onwards for 30+ years). I have said if we did have a child I would want a girl and not a boy. However, its my understanding that I don’t get any choice in this matter.

So, it was with mixed feelings that I read the chapter in Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver entitled “Letter to a Daughter at Thirteen”.

It really summed up for me a lot of what scares me about having children and what makes me think I would like to have a child.

If you have a daughter I recommend reading this, Barbara talks about raising her honestly, to help her deal with life, morally and ethically, along with all sorts of other issues.

It bought a strange lump to my throat.

I highly recommend the book (recommended to me by Marmalade Kiss) it really is astounding. I felt so moved by it for many different reasons and it inspired me to write many posts about it, but I won’t – this really is the last one – but do read it for yourself.

Terrible bargains

Rather late into things  I came across this post at Shakesville via Too much to say for myself. I am not sure why Shakesville wasn’t on my RSS feeds, but it sure is now. Please go and read Shakesville’s post before coming back here.

This post says a lot to me and I am envious that I didn’t write  it.

Shakesville:

“Why do you have to take this stuff so personally? ask the intellectual, clever, and engaged men, who have never considered that the content of the abstract exercise that’s so much fun for them is the stuff of my life.

Do I let too many things slide past for the sake of an easy life and not triggering an argument or ‘debate’ as it is often called? I lose my temper when talking about feminist issues and get emotional, which allows my thoughts and ideas to be overridden by others who say ‘you are being too emotional’, as if this is a bad thing and unacceptable way to behave in response to something which upsets you so greatly. See Derailling for Dummies as to the motivation behind this behavior. But do you know what? Yes I am being emotional, but not unreasonable. For the most part these are issues which affect ME, you try being detached and logical.

Another quote:

These things, they are not the habits of deliberately, connivingly cruel men. They are, in fact, the habits of the men in this world I love quite a lot.

All of whom have given me reason to mistrust them, to use my distrust as a self-protection mechanism, as an essential tool to get through every day, because I never know when I might next get knocked off-kilter with something that puts me in the position, once again, of choosing between my dignity and the serenity of our relationship.

Swallow shit, or ruin the entire afternoon?

Indeed.When people who you are close to say things which offend you, what do you do? How often do you make a judgment call? How often do we not say anything to keep the peace? And why should we have to think about this? This doesn’t just apply to feminist things, but green things too, how often do you not speak up about wasteful behaviour which offends your green side? What about your moral values – do you challenge people on this front too?

This has been a difficult post to write as I kept going off on many tangents, but I hope this is coherent, it has certainly given me ideas for lots of new posts. This is my first post about feminism and I have much to say on the topic, this may not be the best start, but Shakesville’s post resonated so strongly with me that I wanted to share it with you straight away.

***since I wrote this, I went over to Shakesville and caught up. There have been a further 8 posts on this subject, each from a person with their terrible bargains. Just wow. Read them here.***