2012

Well here we are, well in into 2012 now.

I have several things which I would like to focus on for this year, note I say focus, and not resolutions. I want these to be positive and not things to beat myself up with:

Running

The last few months have been a running disaster for me, I have caught lurgy after lurgy and it has had big repercussions with my asthma, I am going to write a post about that soon. However, I have been fixed and I have been out running since I got the all clear and remembered how much I love it and how grumpy I get when I don’t run. My aim for this year is to run a 10K in under an hour. Now, admittedly this is ten whole minutes off of my current PB, but that was on a really hilly course, similar to what I train on. I am hoping that if I get some treadmill training in and race on the flat I might be able to do this. So that I what I am thinking.

Blog 

After a lot of thought recently I have realised that I really enjoy writing and that this blog is a big outlet for that. So I am going to post at least twice each week. I know it’s not a lot, but I have been really sporadic in my writing and I want to put some focus on that and do something which I enjoy so much some more!

Happiness project 

I have already posted about the happiness project here  and I want to carry on with that. As a quick update on all of my daily resolutions I am doing really well on all of them. Except fruit. I haven’t managed to do it once, which is rather sad. I have got to get more focused on that! This covers a lot of things that would normally be covered in a big focus like I am writing here, but I would rather just think about them as the headlines of movement, space, spiritual, achieve, nagging task, fruit and be a good person. 

MA 

Well, strangely enough, I want to complete it to the best of my ability and make friends and contacts by the end of it. I have got my placement sorted out (except it is not just an internship – they are paying me for four months) and I am very excited about that and I want to do the best job that I can do, and it is a big challenge – I have to raise £40K in three months and organise a tour – it is a small theatre company. I also want to have something lined up for when I have finished – be that a job, several jobs, or my own company up and running. It is all very exciting and I want to have to trust in myself that it will all be good!

Spiritual 

As I have mentioned before I have the Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy course starting next week, which I am really looking forward to doing. I want to use this as a chance to consolidate those things into my practice and refresh it. I will share it with you along the way.

I also want to continue my Pagan practice, although at the moment, I am not sure how that will take shape, maybe I just need to let it evolve, rather than trying to pin it down.  Maybe a little more trust that it will all be good!

Creativity 

Here I am going to acknoweldge that I am a creative person (despite what my rational, logical brain keeps telling me) and I am going to allow myself to express that this year, in what ever form that takes. It maybe writing, music, crafting or anything else. And again I am going for unplanned and unstructured.

Overall, I think this year that I will try to allow some things to flow and to trust me a little bit. Maybe that should be my ‘word of the year’. Trust.

Yule

For me, this time of year is a chance to turn inward, reflect and prepare for the year ahead. I LOVE this time of year, it makes me happy to draw the curtains at 4pm, light the candles and put on the lights on the tree.

For the first time ever since I left my parents’ home I have a real tree. This is mainly due to my wonderful OH, who encouraged me to make it as I wanted it. Christmas is a big deal for him, as is tradition, so for him to give up his silver tinsel tree was a big deal. I love our little tree and it will sit in the garden when we are done, ready for us next year. It is really small, but perfect for us and our home.

I have been very disciplined and focused on getting my uni essay done right at the start of the holidays, so now I can concentrate on relaxing and being creative, generally turning inwards. So, what do I have planned? Reconnect with my music; write a short story; do some brainstorming around my values; what I want to achieve each day to make me happy; spend some serious time in spiritual reflection. I am greatly looking forward to it!

My ritual was very simple this year, just me, my altar and deep thoughts and gratitude for the wonderful things in my life and the opportunities I have and prayers for others. Solitude and silence. Things I greatly enjoy.

Yuletide blessings to you all

Yule and the darkening of belief

Well, just two days away from Christmas. For my other half this is a really big important family day. I have always been much more Grinch-like about Christmas, but I am finding his enthusiasm infectious. I am really glad to have some time off from being in front of a class, but I am studying like mad to be able to teach four different courses well from January.

I am making lots of music (not an euphemism!) and creating lots of things, including some presents; which I should have done a while ago to be honest.

Yule for me was…a let down to be honest. My grove didn’t get together due to the snow; more to the point the ice we have had recently. My grove meets in the middle of nowhere, down windy roads that haven’t been gritted at all and the decision was made to cancel the ritual for safety. This suited me to be honest. I am really struggling with everything Pagan at the moment, I feel like I have lost my connection and that I am drifting somewhat. I think if I was Christian I would say that I have lost my faith, but as my beliefs don’t feel like faith, but things that I feel and experience on a daily basis; I don’t think that this is right.

I am hoping it is just that I have been so caught up in trying to stifle my emotions at work that this has smothered my connection to the natural and spiritual world and nothing else. That as more and more time elapses from me and the school that this will lift and get better.

There is part of me that worries this is not the case as I am feeling really rather disillusioned with the Pagan world as a whole. The more I see its projection in the world, notably The Pagan Dawn magazine and events I have been to the more I feel that this is so not how I perceive it and worse I get frustrated how it is potrayed. Even the Druid Network doesn’t seem to be resonating with me any more.

Maybe I should just stop reading stuff. Although I am part way through my OBOD course which I started ages ago and I keep meaning to continue with it, but it is like wading through treacle at the moment and does not inspire and spark anything with me. I am fairly sure that this is not the courses fault, but mine.

I really do feel cut off from my spirituality and it is difficult. I continue to mediate, but this is mediation in a Buddhist sense, rather than doing virtual Grove exercises or any Pagan type ones. Like many things, you never know how instrinsic something is to your life until you have lost it. Has this affected any of you? If so, how have you gotten out of it?

 

Pagan Folk against Fascism

My other half and I disagree on so many things – for example when we were driving to see a potential wedding venue we passed through a village which had a lot of English flags flying – the white flag with the red cross, or Union flags (the OH gets cross when I say Union Jack as he says it is only a Jack when it is on a ship). I said this made me uncomfortable as it makes me think of BNP supporters, or racist, violent football supporters. He got really upset – and said he detests that fact that I think like that and even more that the flags have been hijacked in my mind by these parties.

For those of you outside the UK the British National Party (BNP) is a disgusting political party who are very scarily gaining strong ground in the UK, to the extent that they actually have a seat in the commons. I refuse to provide any links to their sites. Their basic premise is that anyone who isn’t white or British shouldn’t be here and should leave immediately.

I have recently become aware of Folk against Fascism. From the Folk against Fascism website:

The British National Party’s manifesto encourages its members to insinuate themselves into the folk and traditional customs of Britain. This involves the appropriation of British folk music and culture as a means of spreading its peculiar brand of racism and intolerance.

The UK folk scene is a welcoming and inclusive one; folk music and dance have always been about collaboration, participation, communication and respect. Folk Against Fascism has been created to take a stand against the BNP’s targeting of folk music, a stand against the appropriation of our culture. Folk Against Fascism isn’t a political party or a bureaucratic, top-heavy organisation. It is any and all of us who want to make ourselves aware of the BNP’s bigoted view of our history and culture, and who want to do something about it.

The BNP want to take our music, want to twist it into something it isn’t; something exclusive, not inclusive. We must not let them. Folk Against Fascism is a way to demonstrate our anger at the way the BNP wants to remodel folk music in its own narrowminded image.

Oh. My. Gods. This is appalling! I have a small amount to do with the Folk scene, having been in a folk group, which I will be going back to once I start my new job (they are close to each other). But more importantly to me, some folk music is strongly linked to Paganism. As such there has been a Pagan Folk Against Fascism group started. They have just released a CD, which can be bought here. I haven’t bought my yet as I want to wait until they have a digital version, but it looks good, containing some of my favourite Pagan musicians.

But for me this really does show how insidious the BNP is and how they are trying to twist things we should be proud of into things which make me, and others like me, feel uncomfortable about. Like flying the national flag.

My other half and I disagree on so many things – for example when we were driving to see a potential wedding venue we passed through a village which had a lot of English flags flying – the white flag with the red cross, or Union flags (the OH gets cross when I say Union Jack as he says it is only a Jack when it is on a ship). I said this made me uncomfortable as it makes me think of BNP supporters, or racist, violent football supporters. He got really upset – and said he detests that fact that I think like that and even more that the flags have been hijacked in my mind by these parties.

For those of you outside the UK the British National Party (BNP) is a disgusting political party who are very scarily gaining strong ground in the UK, to the extent that they actually have a seat in the commons. I refuse to provide any links to their sites. Their basic premise is that anyone who isn’t white or British shouldn’t be here and should leave immediately.

I have recently become aware of Folk against Fascism. From the Folk against Fascism website:

The British National Party’s manifesto encourages its members to insinuate themselves into the folk and traditional customs of Britain. This involves the appropriation of British folk music and culture as a means of spreading its peculiar brand of racism and intolerance.

The UK folk scene is a welcoming and inclusive one; folk music and dance have always been about collaboration, participation, communication and respect. Folk Against Fascism has been created to take a stand against the BNP’s targeting of folk music, a stand against the appropriation of our culture. Folk Against Fascism isn’t a political party or a bureaucratic, top-heavy organisation. It is any and all of us who want to make ourselves aware of the BNP’s bigoted view of our history and culture, and who want to do something about it.

The BNP want to take our music, want to twist it into something it isn’t; something exclusive, not inclusive. We must not let them. Folk Against Fascism is a way to demonstrate our anger at the way the BNP wants to remodel folk music in its own narrowminded image.

Oh. My. Gods. This is appalling! I have a small amount to do with the Folk scene, having been in a folk group, which I will be going back to once I start my new job (they are close to each other). But more importantly to me, some folk music is strongly linked to Paganism. As such there has been a Pagan Folk Against Fascism group started. When they create a site I will write about it and at the same time tell you in more detail about my favourite groups.

But for me this really does show how insidious the BNP is and how they are trying to twist things we should be proud of into things which make me, and others like me, feel uncomfortable about. Like flying the national flag.

And….relax

Hello, thanks for all the further thoughts on Pagan priesthood. It’s all very interesting and lots of think about!

I should be:

• Studying for my last PGCE assignment
• Marking a set of English essays
• Making a cot quilt
• Making my niece’s birthday present
• Making some more lotions and potions
• Going to the allotment
• Preparing for a really important and scary job interview

But do you know what? I just can not be bothered right now. I have done a lot so far over my holidays, most of it all rather dull and errand based. I have less time for doing day-to-day things now than I did when I was working full-time, I could easily do some internet shopping, or deal with car MOTs, getting presents etc while I was at work and no-one would be any the wiser. It’s not possible to do that when teaching – I can’t make a sneaky phone call to the garage when teaching a lesson on the historical context of comedy or how to do budgeting for a theatre company!

I haven’t been to my allotment for ages – I have either been really busy or ill – I have heard there is a ‘teachers’ immune system’ which I will get at some point -  I would really like it to kick in now, I seem to get every bug going and I’m rather bored of it to be honest.

So, what have I been doing? Well aside from all the silly little time-consuming errands I have managed to plant all my spring seeds, write a whole assignment, do one set of marking and most importantly spend time with friends and relax! I know that doesn’t sound like much but I really am rubbish at relaxing, spending most of my time at a full on pelt, either collapsing into bed at the end of the day, or being wide awake with my mind racing.

I have been writing, meditating, exercising and very much being in the moment. It is wonderful and really reminds me that I do not spend enough time doing this on a day-to-day basis, and quite frankly I should know better. In my last holiday (half term) I worked all of it, sitting at my computer, writing assignments, marking and preparing for the next half term. I felt totally unrefreshed when I went back to college and I really needed to make sure I didn’t do the same for this one.

So, I haven’t. I have had two days this week out and about, Monday at a Pagan festival event, with Damh the Bard playing and Ancient Music, which was lovely to hear. Yesterday I went to a craft type place, which also has a small farm for children too. I was convinced by my friend to do some ceramic painting, so I have created a rather lairy green, orange and purple massive mug for me to drink my vast quantities of redbush tea out of, while she created a rather beautiful and refined graduated goblet. I’m looking forward to picking them up some point next week.

I frequently forget that it is so important to take time out to relax and refresh so I can bring lots of energy to the things I do. I think I need to implement a routine or timetable to make sure I relax during term time as well. Or is that just my control freak side trying to regiment relaxing – which should be the very opposite to timetabled!

What do you do to ensure you relax, or do you not find it an issue?

Creative joy

I don’t blog about my life on a a day to day path like many of the bloggers I follow and so (strangely enough) I don’t share many things with you, including what I am making on an ongoing basis and I think that maybe this is because creativity has become a lot more part of my life.

When I was working as a marketing manager (see my story) I was always so jealous of my best friend for her amazing creativity, artistry and her talent.  I just kept moaning that I wasn’t creative and I wanted to be more so.  She kept telling me (repeatedly) that I was a creative person, I needed to leave my job as it was bad for me, I should just start creating and I never believed her.

A few months before I lost my job I was crossing Westminster Brigde in London and I had this overwhelming feeling that I was being crushed and suffocated by my corporate suit, that my laptop was weighing me down to the extent that it was going to break me in half and I had an feeling I should spining around, faster and faster and let go of the case so it would arch up and then plummet into the Thames.  I had a moment of sanity and didn’t do it, although to be honest it really was touch and go.

When I lost my job I cried and was devestated, but when I was crossed  London Bridge (London’s bridges have a massive power for me) to get to the station, ‘Song of Awen’ by Damh the Bard (lyrics here), came onto my iPod and I was filled with happiness and joy, I laughed out loud, played it on loop the whole way home and grinned. I got home, played all of his albums and danced.

Since then my creativity has just blossomed and bloomed.  I guess I have found the Awen Damh sings about.

I grow food, make jewellery, bake, cook, play music, sing, dance, knit, crochet, sew, make soap, make skincare products, write,  draw and many other things. Tomorrow I am starting Tribal Belly Dancing, (inspired by Verdant’s World), partly because I have always thought it sounds great fun and partly to help build and strengthen a new friendship.

I love my life and all of the creativity that flows in it now. Quite a large part of this is because I have changed my life to be more congruent with my values and a large part is down to my wonderful other half, Gavin.

He has supported me in so many ways which I cannot express and has become an integral part of my new life, a joyous, happy one which I never imagined would belong to me.  I love him deeply. On Christmas day he asked me to marry him,  so I am now engaged and overjoyed.

Hmm, I really hadn’t intended to say all that when I set out writing this post, I was just going to say I will be sharing some photos of all of the presents I made for Christmas very soon, as well as more regular updates about my crafting. I guess I just got carried away by the creative joy of writing!

More and more normal

Following on from my post Pagan Normality life is making my Paganism more and more normal!

I was in the amazing Foyles bookshop on the Southbank in London when after speaking the assistant about a book which was on the wrong shelf she said to me “merry meet”. I grinned and responded with “blessed be”, but was bemused as to how she had amazingly divined the fact that I was Pagan! Then I realised I had put on my pentagram that morning (I don’t normally wear it).

I was on my way out and it didn’t occur to me to say anything else; as I said I was rather confused, but wow, what a difference it made to my evening. I was going to the National Theatre* with my other half and I grinned for ages and bounced around in a happy way – all because of two words a stranger had said to me. I very much doubt she has any idea of the effect she had on me.

Another thing which has happened is I requested Kit Berry (author of Stonewylde)to be my friend on Facebook, which she accepted and then left a message on my wall – which I was amazed at – the lady is really working the social networking! She signed her wall post with ‘bright blessings’. Again, this bought me huge amounts of joy.

Lastly I downloaded Damh the Bard’s latest album. His music, combined with Omnia and The Dolmen are my favourite things to listen to when I am hubbling and bubbling over my stove creating my own beauty products, or when I am feeling down, or when I am feeling happy.**

Why is this?

All of these things create a Pagan normality and reality around me. Some of these are virtual, especially with online communities, some as simple as a stranger saying ‘merry meet’. One thing I envy Christians is that it is the ‘default’ religion in this land, no one thinks they are strange for going to Church and they can easily find a community on the corner of every other road. I am not naive, I am sure there are problems within a tight community, but at least they have a choice. All organised religions have a place to gather which is built into the hard landscape of our towns and cities, Pagans don’t. For me the fact that Paganism isn’t ‘organised’ is part of its appeal, but sometimes it makes me sad as well.

I am lucky to have very recently found a grove which meets regularly to celebrate each festival, but this new to me and the first time I have had anything like this in the 13 years I have ‘consciously’ been a Pagan.

So, I am going to make more of an effort within my Pagan community, including posting in the forum I belong to (Druid Network) and maybe going out of my way to attend moots, even though I find the concept of moots somewhat scary! And saying ‘merry meet’ to people who I think are Pagan – I am sure no-one will take offence to that?!

*You can get tickets for £10 for the National Theatre – amazing – you cannot go wrong!

** I think I need to do a post about Pagan music soon!