Well, just two days away from Christmas. For my other half this is a really big important family day. I have always been much more Grinch-like about Christmas, but I am finding his enthusiasm infectious. I am really glad to have some time off from being in front of a class, but I am studying like mad to be able to teach four different courses well from January.
I am making lots of music (not an euphemism!) and creating lots of things, including some presents; which I should have done a while ago to be honest.
Yule for me was…a let down to be honest. My grove didn’t get together due to the snow; more to the point the ice we have had recently. My grove meets in the middle of nowhere, down windy roads that haven’t been gritted at all and the decision was made to cancel the ritual for safety. This suited me to be honest. I am really struggling with everything Pagan at the moment, I feel like I have lost my connection and that I am drifting somewhat. I think if I was Christian I would say that I have lost my faith, but as my beliefs don’t feel like faith, but things that I feel and experience on a daily basis; I don’t think that this is right.
I am hoping it is just that I have been so caught up in trying to stifle my emotions at work that this has smothered my connection to the natural and spiritual world and nothing else. That as more and more time elapses from me and the school that this will lift and get better.
There is part of me that worries this is not the case as I am feeling really rather disillusioned with the Pagan world as a whole. The more I see its projection in the world, notably The Pagan Dawn magazine and events I have been to the more I feel that this is so not how I perceive it and worse I get frustrated how it is potrayed. Even the Druid Network doesn’t seem to be resonating with me any more.
Maybe I should just stop reading stuff. Although I am part way through my OBOD course which I started ages ago and I keep meaning to continue with it, but it is like wading through treacle at the moment and does not inspire and spark anything with me. I am fairly sure that this is not the courses fault, but mine.
I really do feel cut off from my spirituality and it is difficult. I continue to mediate, but this is mediation in a Buddhist sense, rather than doing virtual Grove exercises or any Pagan type ones. Like many things, you never know how instrinsic something is to your life until you have lost it. Has this affected any of you? If so, how have you gotten out of it?