off again

Hurrah, so we are heading into autumn. I am going out tonight and I will be wearing my dr martens again – oh how I love them! It is the start of a new school year and new beginnings. I love this time of year.

I loved school when I was a child, such a swot. I loved my new pencil cases, new bags etc. I loved getting new books especially.

This time last year I was panicking about starting a new school. Now I am panicking about finding work again. I am not working at the moment – I am waiting to hear about supply teaching work. Which is worrying for me as I don’t like not knowing what is happening!

I am off again to start something new though. I have pretty much given up on being a full time teacher again and I am going to do a Masters at Goldsmiths University in Arts Administration and Cultural Policy. I am hoping that it will draw together my marketing &  business experience, my Theatre Studies degree and three years teaching experience into a single amazing job. Somehow. Somewhere!

I have seen many jobs which I can do and would be totally up my street, but I do not have the arts experience. So this Masters includes placements in well known arts organisations, which I am very excited about. Hopefully it will let me get that job!

I am really looking forward to it, but I have to say I am somewhat worried. It is a very well known arts university and I am worried about what to wear and what to take with me. I am a scruffy person who lives in jeans, with a rucksack or a Crumpler bag. I have tried elegant in the past – I am the sort of person who can make even really rather expensive suits look scruffy. As for arty, trendy or boho, forget it, I do not have the panache to carry it off.

Do I take this opportunity to remake myself into a slightly more sophisticated version of myself, do I get myself a big, elegant bag, and wear smart shoes, or go in my jeans and docs? Don’t get me wrong, I used to like wearing my suits, but mainly because they were a sort of uniform – the jacket matched the trousers, and I wore a shirt and my brogues. Easy. The whole separates (skirt/trousers & top) thing? Don’t get it.

When I was bridesmaid at my friend’s wedding recently, as I complimented each other maid on her lovely dress she said she was only in it due to her granny knickers (spanx pants things). I didn’t know that this is what normal people did – I thought it was only for neurotic Bridget Joneses or scary socialites. As my OH jokingly said “I have been skipping my girl classes again” . That’s what it feels like.

And part of me thinks ‘sod it I don’t care. I don’t have the money to buy lots of new elegant things and anyway I just go back to my default state of scruff’. And part of me thinks “aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I want to fit in!! I don’t want to be a scruff any more, I would like to be a bit nice looking.”

I hate it – I want to be able to focus my energy on starting my studies for the course (yes, I have already got the book list and ordered the books from the library), but quite a large, vain part of me wonders what bag I should have and what I should be wearing. I don’t read any fashion/women’s magazines because they just depress the crap out of me, so that is not where this is coming from.

Please can someone knock some sense into me?!!!


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