This is a time of the year that I normally love, but I am struggling a bit at the moment. I think it’s because I have been stressing about the lack of job, stressing about starting uni and just generally stressing.
I am a bit of a stress head.
I now have a little job – weekend working in a bar – the irony being that I don’t actually drink. I am trying to keep that one quiet! But it is not enough for stretch my career development loan to last until the end of my course. So I am still hoping that some supply teaching/tutoring comes through, but so far there has been none.
Uni is fine – a little frustrating as we have a three hour lecture on marketing. The first two were fine, as it was talking about the reasons people are involved in the arts and quite frankly a spiritual/emotional/intellectual/social connection is not a reason for people to buy IT products (which is what I used to market) – so that was new. After that it has gone onto strategic marketing etc. I have a Professional Diploma in Marketing from the Chartered Institute of Marketing, so I am fairly on top of that!
But the rest of it is interesting, but we have a lot of visiting lecturers who talk to us about their thing. Which is great, but so far there hasn’t been one which is talking about my thing. One of my friends was totally rapt with what we were being told the other day and I was mildly interested for the first hour and then bored as we went onto the next hour!
A big part of my problem is I don’t know what I want to do – I am open to options, but I don’t like not knowing what is coming or what is happening – I am a bit of a control freak. We need to start thinking about what we are going to do for our internships (I am opposed to them on priniciple, but it is short term thing and an important part of our course – a 6000 word essay is to be written). And I don’t know.
Lots of the people on my course are practitioners, they do things – like run drama workshops with kids/dance/sing/play etc etc. I don’t do any of that. What I do is GET SHIT DONE. This is my main skill. It doesn’t sound like much, but trust me, it is. There are always lots of people who have ideas, but few people who can pull everything together, use their amazing powers of organisation and make it happen.
So I want to be in a creative enviornment, where I am the person who makes stuff happen.
Not sure I have seen that in a job title anywhere.
So, all of these things combined have left me stressed and exhausted. I can feel myself tipping onto the edge of my downward depression spiral. But this is the first time I have noticed myself at the edge before I have slipped down the spiral. So I am continuing to meditate, my OH suggested a walk in the woods before I start work on Saturday and I have bought lots of smoothies and soups. Yes, I know I could make them myself, but I know that is not going to happen and I need to make sure that I have healthy food that required no effort to eat.
Oh and I have just reorganised my Filofax and rewritten all of my to-do pages. Yes, I know it is neurotic, but I do feel so much better and in control. 🙂