Hmm, this is going to be a very raw post, that is being written at the height of disappointment.
So, Samhain, I love it – it is my favourite (coupled with Beltaine) festival of the year. And yet, here I am half an hour after I started my ritual, writing to you all, instead of still being in my ritual.
I’ve had an odd couple of weeks, staving off depression, starting my new weekend pub job, uni, life, etc etc. My sleeping is screwed at the moment and I have a really low-level illness which means I am waking up feeling like I have a cold, sore throat, blocked up etc, that wears off quickly, but it is a real struggle to get out of bed and I am getting tired really easily. Walking to uni for fifteen minutes leaves me sweating really heavily. But I am not really ill – you know? I tried to run the other day and thought I was going to pass out after 10 mins, so I had to stop. I hate not running.
I am totally solitary at the moment – I left my grove by choice, totally amicably – it just wasn’t right for me at this time, so I am adjusting to ritual on my own again, something which I have done for years.
My wonderful, wonderful husband stayed late at work, so that I could do the ritual in peace. I lit the charcoal and immediately regretted it – it gives me a headache in such a small space! I have run out of joss sticks and I have nowhere near me that sells them and I kind of resent paying postage & packaging just for some sticks. Mistake number 1.
So, I cast the circle and sat down to talk with the Goddess and God, as it were. I have to say that at home I work in a small space (teeny-tiny) and so sitting is the only way to reach my altar. And instead of doing what I had intended to do I burst into tears.
My own rituals are always sporadic – I have a rough idea of what I want to say, but I never write anything down. But I normally take things into the circle with me and I didn’t on this occasion. Nothing, apart from the candle – that’s not right for Samhain, I normally have offerings and some sort of food & drink.
I don’t know what happened. I guess you could say it was lack of preparation, but I always work like this and it always works.
All I felt was despair and then a gentle ‘hugging’ coming back at me, I just sat there and cried and then just blew out the candle. Totally rubbish. Just to clarify my thoughts I drew two tarot cards – 8 of wands and 7 of cups. Extreme energy and then despair and crashing. Yep – that’s pretty much me at the moment.
I think I am just over-exhausted. Yesterday I booked theatre tickets on a day when I was busy, I looked in my filofax, saw I had an appointment and booked the tickets anyway – I don’t quite know what happened. I was rushing as it was the amazingly cheap tickets and they were the only 2 left in the theatre – but none the less this is not something that I do!
So, there we go a rather honest reflection on a rubbish ritual. All the more disappointing as it is my favourite one of the year.
I hope you had a much better Samhain.