I shared my posts about my retreat and I wrote them a long time before I shared them with you and this will probably be posted far behind where I actually wrote them.
As a result of my retreat and the very strong feelings I had when I was there I decided not to start my mitra studies, not to carry on my work with Buddhism. I feel, again, like I am going round and around and that I am unable to stick with anything.
But I have to be true to myself and when you have a very negative physical response (almost passing out and having a panic attack) to a physical situation your body is clearly telling you something. Or at least mine is. I am generally not good at listening to my body, to my intuition, but actually on this occasion I am trying to.
So, I guess I no longer consider myself Buddhist. In fact I no longer consider myself anything, except a Seeker. I will continue to read and study religious texts, talking to people and listening to their thoughts. I believe in something much bigger than me and I regularly pray and meditate but I guess for now I don’t fit into any one category, there isn’t a spiritual box that I can tick next time I go into hospital and I will have to live with the uncomfortable feeling that generates within me.
I can notice it and explore it, allowing myself to see where it goes and what it shows to me, maybe I will go back to a Quaker meeting or two, and maybe I will go back to the occasional meditation class.
I have no altar in my house at the moment, and yet I am beginning to feel closer to my spirituality than I have for a while. I guess that as there is no altar there isn’t a fixed place and I am beginning to listen to myself. Thanks to having a dog I am getting out into the woods and nature a lot more than I have done in a very long time and that is a healing process for me and a chance to connect with spirit/God/ess/’it’/’that’. Sometimes the English language is very inadequate.